Results for April, Getting real!!!

     Well here I am at the end of April and I am not at all satisfied with the month. This was a tough month. I ended up sick and not able to exercise for a couple of weeks and I made bad food choices as well. The end result unfortunately is that I am up 3 pounds. This is a bit frustrating. I now have 15 pounds to lose and the wedding is 4 weeks away. I know I will probably drop the first 3 pretty quickly as it is probably mostly water weight from not drinking enough water.
     As I pondered the month I began to think why is it? Why does eating right and exercise go hand in hand. Why is it when I exercise I indeed make better food choices but when I am ill not able to exercise I fall right back into the bad choices again. I return to that road of self destruction. I think it is when I am exercising my self esteem is higher, my self worth is greater, my focus on getting fit is stronger. When I am already feeling down all the negative thoughts come back to my mind. Just so I do not  feed them, I will not try and think of them all and I will not post them on here. you probably know them but do not try and think of then either.
     It is as if the progress I had made with my emotional eating had just completely regressed. It is as if an addiction that I had been fighting to over come had won once again. It is as if I had lost all will power and lost yet another battle with this monster. I wonder will this monster ever be put to sleep? Will it ever move out of my temple to never return? Will I ever be free from this temptation? This temptation to let food pacify me when I am not feeling well or when life is tough.
     I also think why do I do this to myself. Does the food really help me to feel better? Does it help me to heal quicker? Does it make me more content? Does it give me more energy? Does it give me a better attitude? Does it help in anyway whatsoever? The odd thing is the answer to every single question above is a loud and resounding "NO". How strange!! How odd!! Then why do I do this? Why do I fall? You know the hardest thing to admit is that the food makes everything worse. I feel worse when I do not eat right. Here I am again wondering why do I do this?
     Let's take a moment and rephrase the questions above. Does the food really help me to feel worse? Does it slow my to healing process? Does it make me less content? Does it give me less energy? Does it give me a worse attitude? Does it hurt in anyway whatsoever? Now the answers would all be "yes". Here I am again wondering why do I do this? This is the tough question, this is the answer I need to find. Finding this answer will not solve my problem completely but it will help me find a solution. It will set me on the right track to overcome this monster, to overcome this weakness, to overcome this sin. It will help me to keep my mind and body healthy and fit.
     So here I am today with the drive to start again. To refuel my mind and body and to refocus on the end, refocus on my goal. My goal is to improve my life by improving my physical and mental health. Seeking to find something positive in this month I have to remind myself that this restart is at 155 not at 222,199,187,167 but this time it is at 155. This time it is at the lowest ever, this time I stopped the self destruction early on and did not let it defeat me as I have in the past. This is a big accomplishment. This is a positive move for me. This is a sign that I am slowly binding up this monster. I will rejoice in the day this monster is bond and ejected from my life. That day will come. This is process, this is my journey, this is my life.
     This post is for me as well as those of you that chose to read it. It is for me to see my mistakes, yet to see my victory in stopping the process earlier than ever before, it is for me to continue to ponder the shy and to find the answer. It is for you to see your not alone in your battles, it is to reassure  you as well as I that we can overcome this. It is for you and I to encourage and help to keep one another be accountable. It is for us to bond in our similar struggles & to celebrate our accomplishments.
     I am on journey to change my life and to be a healthy woman. Join me and we will overcome our struggles. Even if your struggles are different believe in the most basic way all of our struggles have something in common, we are somehow broken and we need to fix ourselves.